Archive | July, 2013

Surrendering vs. Giving Up on God…

14 Jul

At this point, I am really wondering if marriage is in my future or not.

I have completed my time on the mission field and moved to a large, metropolitan city for graduate school.  I decided to reactive my old accounts on the two “big” dating websites for Christians (ChristianMingle and Eharmony, of course) but haven’t received any particularly exciting matches who want to communicate with me.  I have been attending a church, Bible study, some outreach ministries, and am on campus most of the day Monday through Friday (this is a “big 10” school so campus is plenty busy with students of all ages and backgrounds).  Still, no sign of the man of my dreams.  This isn’t, “sweet 16 and never been kissed,” this is “27 and have been on four dates.”  From middle school up until now I’ve never had a guy even show real interest in me, except for a few “special needs” guys that I knew from school (no, not exaggerating), or guys that just were hoping to get me in bed with them (and backed off the minute they saw it wasn’t going to happen).   Why couldn’t I attract the attention of a polite, semi-handsome, intelligent Christian man?   

Over the past few months, I’ve caught myself thinking more and more, “I don’t think I’m ever going to get married.”  I had accepted long ago that marriage is not a guarantee and not something I can put my hope in, but now I’m thinking that my dreams of ever being a bride or a wife are fading right in front of me.  

While I was on the mission field, I had a week of vacation which I used to go visit my friend, Denise, who is serving in a bordering country.  In our conversation, she said at one point, “I am honestly okay with whatever God has for me relationshipwise.  I am happy being single and am content to stay that way for the rest of my life, but if God has a husband out there for me, I’m fine with that, too.”  

I don’t feel the same way Denise does- I want God’s will to be done in my life; I want Him to be glorified above all else.  But, accepting the fact that He doesn’t want me married, or even that He doesn’t want me to marry until I am past childbearing age, feels like signing away my most cherished possession and throwing it into a fire.  

It’s not that God doesn’t have a right to ask me to make a sacrifice- He sacrificed His one and only Son for me.  I know He doesn’t promise we will live without unfulfilled longings- otherwise we will never long to be with Him in Heaven.  But will He really allow me to desire marriage all my life and never give it to me?  If it’s His will for me to be single, why didn’t He wire me the way He did Denise- with neutral feelings towards marriage and singleness?  

If I give up my hopes and dreams of ever marrying, am I surrendering to God’s will?  Or am I giving up on Him?  Am I deciding, “You don’t love me enough to give me what I want more than anything on this side of eternity,”  “You forgot me,” “You aren’t as good as I say I believe You are; You don’t care how much it hurts me.”   

Do I trust God enough to surrender it all to Him?  And if I do, will He put me through a lifetime of pain and loneliness, or will He give me some sort of satisfaction?