Archive | August, 2013

…and no call back…

14 Aug

Two weeks later, and no phone call.  

I thought we had fun.  He was sweet, handsome, intelligent, with a good sense of humor.  But apparently I messed up somewhere.  

And the worst of it is, I feel like I have no one to turn to.  I have a short break from graduate school and am in my hometown for a week.   Christine and Jessica are two people I trust when it comes to talking about singleness- neither of them make false promises (“God has someone out there for you, just wait!”), neither make suggestions on how to cure the horrible disease of singleness (“Are you on Christianmingle?”  “Why aren’t you dating that one really good friend of yours?  Who cares if there’s no chemistry between you?” “You need to change churches to find your future husband!”)  Well, Christine is off serving Jesus in Africa for the summer and Jessica has heartaches of her own as she and her husband have continued to battle infertility.   

I feel like I can’t go to God with this.  How horrible is that?

This date didn’t end with him telling me I wasn’t skinny enough for him or he wasn’t interested because I wouldn’t go to bed with him.  He wasn’t some sort of scumbag.  I didn’t bring up marriage or children or rant about past relationships or any of the other classics that scare men away.  The only explanation I can come up with is that it just wasn’t God’s will for us to date.  

Can I really tell Him how hurt and frustrated I feel over what I think was His will?  Not just the no-call, but this whole 27-and-no-hope-of-marriage-in-sight thing?  Can I really cry on His shoulder and tell Him I hate His plan for my life, that I’m struggling to remember His goodness and that He works in ways far beyond my comprehension?   Can I tell Him that I just want to know what it’s like to love and be loved in return in a romantic sense- that I hate that He called me to go on the mission field and co-found a non-profit and work as a model and actress and earn my master’s.  Why couldn’t I just have been called to the only profession I really want- to be a wife and a mom???  

A while back I had a friend who was angry at God for not allowing her to win the Miss America pageant (or her state pageant).  I didn’t know whether to laugh in her face or slap her- when did God promise to make her Miss America?  There have been a whole lotta women in American history and only 92 of them have been named Miss America.  She said God had laid it on her heart to become Miss America- she knew He had because she wanted it so badly.  So if you want something badly enough, that means its from God?  

I don’t want to do the same thing here- just because I want marriage so badly doesn’t mean my desire is from God.  I don’t have a right to be angry with Him because He hasn’t given me what I demand.  

I don’t have a right to…but I am.  

God, I want to trust You completely; I want to live my life in surrender to You.  I want to believe that You are good and I can never be in want because of Your provision.  

But I need Your grace right now, because I can’t do it on my own human strength.  

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….Me? A Date?

1 Aug

Yes, it’s happening tomorrow.

I am 27 and in shock over the fact that I have a date tomorrow night.  I was officially allowed to date after my 16th birthday, but this will only be date number 5 for me.

We met on a Christian dating website.  I’m asking all the normal questions- what do I wear?  What will we talk about?  What will happen next?  I’m also asking the questions you only ask on a blind date set up by the internet- do my pictures do me justice, or will he be disappointed when he sees me?  Will I be disappointed when I see him?  Will I have to use the “safety plan” that I set up with the only two friends who know about this date?  Can we carry on a conversation in person as well as we could by email, or are we in for an incredibly awkward evening??

I wish I didn’t have to tell anyone about this date- that way, if it goes well and more dates follow, I can simply change my facebook status to “In A Relationship” and watch the “likes” roll in (okay, I’m a nerd!  I admit it!).  If it doesn’t go well, I can just forget about it and not tell anyone.  However, both safety and morality require that someone know.  I have told Christine (and established some safety procedures with her) as well as my new friend, Teresa, whom I have been attending church with here in my college town.  They both will check in with me to make sure I get home safely, and they have both promised to interrogate me about what happened afterwards.

We are going to dinner and a science museum.  I have never heard of the restaurant he mentioned but checked it out online- looks like a fun, casual place.  But I can’t find any information about the museum except for him telling me that this is an adults-only night.   Hmmm, he is picking me up from work and he works in a highly professional field, so I’m guessing he’ll be somewhat dressed up- or will he change into jeans??  What do I wear?  Is a sundress too casual or a simple business dress too formal?  

Above all else, I pray for God to guard my heart.  If this man does not have the character and maturity I previously thought, I pray that He will make it clear to me and protect me from unnecessary heartache.  If all goes well, I pray He will help me honor this man as a brother in Christ and save my heart for my future husband, be it him or someone else.  In everything that happens tomorrow night, may God be honored and glorified above all else.