Archive | January, 2014

My Only Hope…

11 Jan

I have confided in a few close friends besides Sarah that I believe God is telling me I will be married by November 2014.  Most of them have simply nodded and said, “Hm, yeah, He could be telling you that.”  My good friend, Lisa, pointed out that I have never been optimistic about marriage- I have said that marriage was something I desired and hoped for, but I have always been adamant that it is not something guaranteed to me and that I can’t go through life looking for “the one.”   On Christmas Eve, Lisa presented me with a typed copy of her family Christmas letter along with the standard family photo.  At the bottom, she had handwritten: “Cannot wait for your Christmas letter next year, Laura!  Believing with you!!”

Here is the part that I haven’t told anyone: just before New Years I had…not really a “fight,” but a definite conflict with David.  We were both determined to work through it and save our friendship, and we tried to consider each other’s feelings and perspectives.  It all played out the way I would want to work through a conflict with someone I cared about.  However, I felt things would be so much less complicated between us if we had never dated.  Why did God have to bring us together on a dating website if all He intended for us to have was friendship?  And why did it have to be “chemistry” that kept us apart- couldn’t there have been something obvious that made it impossible for us to be more than friends??  Just after New Years, I was wrestling with these questions, when I again felt the voice in my mind remind me, “You will be married by November 2014,” and, suddenly, it added, “…to David.”

I have tried to come up with logical reasons why David has to be the one or why we never should have broken off, but I knew none of them were guarantees.  In this moment, though, I found myself sitting bolt upright, almost as though I had heard an audible voice.  It just seemed so clear- I prayed frantically that God would silence whatever I might be hearing that wasn’t from Him, but it was still there.  I pulled out two sheets of paper and penned one letter to David and one to his son- if this was from God, then I wanted to present them with these letters on our wedding day, letting them know that God had revealed this to me and that I already loved them both.  I tucked both letters away in my prayer journal.

However, ever since I woke up on Sunday morning, I have been under a cloud of doubt.  I’ve waited 27 years to fall in love and it hasn’t happened.  Why would it happen now?  Why would God reveal such things to me??  I can never guard my heart; this very well could be my own imagination trying to avoid letting go of David or deal with my frustration at still being single.

I was reminded that nothing is guaranteed that isn’t promised in the Bible.  God has promised an eternity free from sin and temptation, sickness and pain, sorrow and suffering.  He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.  He has promised unfailing love and unending grace.  These are the things I can put my hope in.  This is what will not disappoint me.

Several things have happened over the course of the week that have pointed back to the voice I “heard.”  I remembered Sarah and Lisa’s words of affirmation and knew neither of them would stand with me in agreement if they had any doubt in their minds.   I learned Denise, who less than a year ago was single and content, is engaged (she and I have a chat date tomorrow- looking forward to hearing the whole story!!).  If God can bring love into her life so quickly, He can do the same for me.  I watched this encouraging message– it was a still, small voice that I heard in my heart.  I remembered when I first felt called to the mission field- I passed through my host country in 2008, just taking an overnight trip, and, it was there that I felt that voice in my heart telling me, “This is where you will come back and serve Me.”  The timing wasn’t what I expected, it was a different city from what I expected, my mission assignment was not what I expected, but what that voice said came true: I returned to that country as a missionary.  It’s tempting to say that marriage is not in my control and going on the mission field was, but I remember how helpless I felt throughout the preparation process and, in the end, knowing it was all from God.  

There are still no guarantees.  The human heart is a deceitful thing.  God is my only hope.  And He is the only hope I need.