Archive | February, 2014

The Test…

27 Feb

This is what I have “heard” so far…

David and I ended our relationship in mid-October.  In the midst of my angry prayers and accusations at God, I know I heard Him telling me, “I have a plan for you and David.”

Every time I started to feel angry at God, or feel as though He had forgotten me or abandoned me, the voice would repeat, “I have a plan for you and David, Laura.  Will you trust me?”  It didn’t seem mistakeable for anything else- and it seemed logical.  Surely, a loving, sovereign God wouldn’t put me through this heartache without a purpose, especially after 27 years of keeping me single and protecting me.  I just couldn’t imagine what such a plan might be…

In the first week of November, I heard (what I believe to be) God telling me that I would be married with in a year- by November 2014.   All I could think was, “To Who???”

The first Friday of December, I was at a Bible study/concert of prayer, and I felt God telling me that my marriage would come suddenly and unexpectedly.

Part of that sounds thrilling to me- I want a short engagement and a simple wedding, not years of drawn-out dating and wedding planning.  I just pray that we WILL have enough time to plan a small church wedding, with blessings from my parents and church leaders.   I have nothing against courthouse weddings or elopements if people choose to go that route, but I don’t want to cut my parents or other loved ones out of the most important and sacred day of my life.  

In early January, as I lay on my bed crying after a “fight” with David, demanding to know why God had brought us together on a dating website if He didn’t intend for us to be more than friends, I felt the voice in the back of my mind telling me again, “You will be married by November 2014,” and suddenly it added, “…to David.”

Could it really be true?  Was what I felt for David more than an infatuation?  I remembered at the end of our fourth date, thinking to myself, “I think I’m going to marry this man.”  I had been crushed to realize I was wrong- or was I??  Was my heart running ahead of itself, or was God giving me a glimpse into my future??   Again, I prayed God would break this in me unless it was from Him.  I held it with an open hand.  Again, it remained with me.

Now, my heart longed more than ever to be with David.  We met for coffee in January, just as friends.  I prayed that God’s will would be made clear when we actually saw each other face-to-face.  I prayed that, if David wasn’t His will for me, that my feelings would fade and I would see him as nothing more than a friend (as has happened with other men I have had feelings for in the past).   I vowed that, if God told me to give my feelings for David over to Him, I would do so.  However, as I sat across from David at the same table where we had our first date, I felt certain that God was telling me, “Wait.”  Not, “Give it up,” just “wait.”  In the course of our conversation that night, David shared with me that he was facing some rough waters, but God was using it to refine him.  Perhaps God had caused our relationship to end so that He could refine both of us as individuals.  One thing was clear: David was the same person he had been when we were dating.  There was no talk of our future together, no playful flirting, no physical affection beyond a friendly hug- but his sense of humor, his interests, his personality, his love for the Lord were all the same.  He had never played games with me when we were dating; he was real.  

This brought me some peace, but it still left me wondering, if David and I were to be married by November 2014, when would God bring us together as a couple??  I am in graduate school until May and hope to be teaching full-time again by September- and teachers don’t get PTO or vacation days!  That meant I would either need to be married by August, or try to squeeze in a wedding (with no honeymoon) over a weekend (oh, please, God- not that!!!  Don’t make me grade papers on my wedding day!!!).   A few weeks ago, as I prayed for discernment and understanding, the word “March,” popped into my heat.

March…something would happen between David and me in March??   Again, I prayed frantically.  And, I believe this is God telling me that David and I will be a couple by the end of March.

These revelations have played out slowly- if it were my own wishful thinking, I think I would have dreamed up something much faster.  Probably within hours of breaking up with David, I would have figured out our reunion and marriage- wouldn’t I??  These thoughts have come back consistently, even after I have prayed that God would remove what wasn’t from Him.  My imagination fluctuates, imagining worst-case scenarios in one minute and romantic fantasies in the next.

What’s terrifying is that March will come and go in the next 33 days.  Thirty-three days from now, I will know if this is my imagination/wishful thinking, or God’s voice.   If it’s the fomer, than all of this could have been one big hoax- played on me by myself.  If it’s the latter, it will mean that God revealed His plan to me in a real and personal way.  I so, SO want this to be from Him, not only because I’m crazy about David and love the idea of marrying him, but because I want to know that when God speaks, I hear Him- His voice is distinct from all other sounds.   When I hear promptings from Him in the future, I want to be able to run after them wholeheartedly, not wonder if I’m really hearing from Him.

This coming month will be a test, no matter what.  It will test if I know my Shepherd’s voice, or if I allow my own imagination to drown it out.  If it is the latter, than it will be tested whether or not I trust God at all times, or only when I think He’s giving me what I want.

33 days.  By then, the test will be over.  May I be found faithful, no matter what.