Nothing…or just not what I expected??

4 Apr

The Thursday before the 15th, I messaged David to see again if he’d like to meet up sometime.  He replied instantly, “What about Saturday?”

Whoa.  Did he just voluntarily suggest Saturday, the 15th, the date I believed God had laid on my heart?  Was everything about to come together before my eyes??  Was God about to not only grant me my heart’s desire- to be with David- but also show me that He was so real, so personal, that He held the smallest details of my future in His hands?

I told David that I would love to see him Saturday, and he said he’d get back to me Friday night with a time.  I messaged Sarah right away and told her what was happening; she promised to pray for me and couldn’t wait to hear what happened.  “I needed to hear this right now!!” she added.

Friday night came- and David and I discovered we’d had a mis-communication about our schedules.  “Well, maybe we can make something work; I’ll text you tomorrow,” he told me.

Saturday morning I woke up with an urge to pray for David on my heart.  I decided to text him and let him know he was in my prayers, regardless of whether or not we would see each other- as I was typing the text, I remembered the whole significance behind this day.  David would have been married today.  It was my impression that he was the one to end the engagement- he just kept seeing more and more evidence that his fiance wasn’t who he had originally believed her to be, and that she certainly wasn’t the kind of woman he wanted in a stepmother for his son.  I prayed harder, asking God that, if David were dealing with any grief or regret today, that He would be near to him.

Around 11 that night I heard back from David.  So sorry he hadn’t spoken to me all day, it had been a long day and he was “dealing with some things,” but he appreciated my prayers.  I texted back that I would continue to pray.  My heart and my mind were spinning.  Was David dealing with the after-affects of his canceled wedding day, or had something else come up?  And…what had just happened??

Maybe the whole “March 15th” had been my imagination.  But then, would God allow everything to line up and then fall through??   It wouldn’t be atypical for me to message David saying, “Want to get together sometime for coffee?” and then not hear back from him for a week or two- it seemed that surely it was God who caused him to respond instantly and suggest Saturday.  Why would He do that?  To mess with me, to remind me that the future was His business and not mine??  No, the God I serve is not the passive-aggressive god of cultural-christianity, the easter-bunny god who hides things just to drive us crazy, or the prosperity-gospel god who backs out of His promises because our faith wasn’t enough.  No, I serve a God who keeps His promises and does what He says He will do, and nothing- our human weaknesses, circumstances beyond our control, the attacks of Satan- can stop His plan from going forward.    If He says it will happen, it will.  If it doesn’t happen, He never said it would.

But what HAD just happened here?  Had I just imagined Him telling me “March 15th”?  If so, was all of this- marriage by November 2014, to David- an entire joke, as well??  Or, had He done something after all, and I just can’t see it yet?

I texted David a few more times over the past few weeks, but he didn’t respond until this week when I asked how he was doing and told him I was continuing to pray for him.  “Hey Laura, I’m pretty rough but I appreciate the prayers,” he said.  My heart is constricted with worry for him- is he still broken over the canceled wedding?  Or is he dealing with something worse??   I pray furiously for him, but it feels like I’m crying out to the ceiling.

And I’m left wondering what’s really going on.  Every time I pray about David and these impressions upon my heart, I seem to feel affirmation- I see the parallels between this and the other times God spoke clearly to me (when He called me overseas).  I feel that He is revealing truths about my relationship with David to me (more on that in a future post).  I distinctly remember the moment in January when I felt that voice, out of nowhere, telling me, “You will be married by November 2014…to David.”  I have liked a lot of guys in my lifetime, but never have I experienced anything like this.   I was raised independent fundamentalist, with the mindset that God doesn’t speak to us anymore.   I had a few people tell me that my call to the mission field might be “Satan putting that desire in me.”  Um…first, how on earth would the devil be capable of telling someone to go spread the gospel??  And, second, if God doesn’t speak to us, why would Satan speak to us?  Is he more powerful than God (rhetoric question)??    On the other hand, there is the other extreme that I see in some churches/denominations, where people believe every little thought is a deep revelation from God- or, rather, if it’s something they want to hear, it’s from God.  I hear stories of women saying God has promised them a husband and twin babies and now they are angry that He hasn’t kept His promise, or saying that they are destined to a certain man but don’t understand why he won’t return the texts or phone calls they are bombarding him with.  Where is the line?  What does it really mean to hear my Shepherd’s voice?

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