Archive | June, 2014

A Season of Confusion

28 Jun

God knows my hearts desires.  He says that He will give me the desires of my heart if I delight myself in Him (Psalm 37:4).

My heart’s desire was to return to my hometown after completing my time on the mission field- not to move back in with my parents, of course, but to set up my own place, be close to my friends and my parents, and continue to be part of my church family.

But God didn’t lead me back there; He brought me instead to a huge city to attend graduate school at a big-10 university.  I’m only three hours from home, but sometimes it feels like a foreign country.  I thought I would only be here for a year, but, as of right now, the job market looks better here than back “home.”  At least there are openings to apply to here; there’s nothing even open back home.

Why did God lead me here?  I have a church and a great Bible study to attend, but neither compare to the worship, in-depth studies of the scripture, or fellowship that I had at my church back home.  I’ve had chances to briefly share my faith with a few people, but it’s been no more or less significant with opportunities that I had back home- maybe even less, since I don’t feel like I can invite those people to my church, given the distance they would have to travel.

I thought I knew the answer: God lead me here to meet David and marry him.  But now, it seems impossible and illogical.

David and I hung out a few weeks ago…it wasn’t at all like the other times we’ve hung out or talked, before or after breaking up.  Things just felt…off.  Granted, it turned out he had come straight from a dentist appointment and wasn’t feeling 100%, so that partially explained why he seemed a bit disengaged.  But it was some of the things he said, too…he asked me at one point if I had been doing all right with eating enough (I told him when we first started dating that I had been through an eating disorder as a teenager) and then added, while looking me dead in the eyes, “I just don’t understand how Satan is able to convince you that you aren’t beautiful.”   Ten minutes later, he was saying how he had seen “red flags” with other girls he had dated but then quickly added, “I didn’t see any with you, Laura.”  Well, if I’m so beautiful and you see zero “red flags,” then why am I sitting over here in the friend zone?  He’s even changing his story- at first it was that he wasn’t feeling the chemistry or connection (of course not, we only went on five dates!  Anything he would have felt so soon would have boiled down to fantasy and infatuation!) and now it’s just “where he’s at in his life right now.”  He’s too busy for a relationship- well, he’s 29 and his son is 11.  When does he think life is going to slow down??  And if he doesn’t want to marry a woman drastically younger than him, how does he expect to have more children (which he said was his desire when we were dating) if he plans to put marriage off for several more years??

A few weeks ago, I was called for a job interview in the exact suburb where David lives.  I was thrilled- I have been applying all over for jobs and finally, an interview!  The job seemed like the perfect fit, and, surely, if this job were the one door that God had opened for me, David would see that this was from Him.  I was called back for a second interview…and then received a rejection email a few days later.  One other candidate, and the position went to him or her.   This felt like a repeat of the whole “March 15th” experience- thinking that surely God was opening a door and all the details where coming together, and then watching it inexplicably fall through.

Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I never heard God telling me that I would be married to David in a year or that I would be married at all.  But then, why did He not silence that voice in the back of my mind when I asked Him to?  When I shared my thoughts with Lisa and Sarah, why did He not urge THEM to tell me to rethink this (they would have done so if they had felt prompted to…right?  These are two of the most Godly women I know.  Surely they wouldn’t tell me what they think I want to hear??).   Why have these little things come up and then fallen through so suddenly??  Is God teasing me?  No, He doesn’t tease because He can’t lie; it goes against His very nature.  Is He trying to show me that cessasionalist theology is correct and He doesn’t speak to us anymore?   No, nowhere in the Bible did He ever say not to listen for His voice past a certain point, and I know He has spoken to me in the past.

I know who God is.  I know He is good, He is sovereign, and His promises never fail.  I know that I cannot claim anything as His promise unless it is written in the Bible.   But, right now, He is taking me through one of the most confusing seasons of my life.  I can only wait to understand what He is doing.