Archive | July, 2014

Even When I Can’t Feel Him…

16 Jul

Life is wearing me out.

The job search is fruitless.  I am licensed from a prestigious university to teach one of the most in-demand content areas, and hours of applications and interviews have gotten me nowhere.  It’s only been two months since I finished school, but the hiring season for teachers is short.  If I don’t get a job by September, I will probably be stuck either subbing or working a non-teaching (potentially minimum-wage) job to make ends meet.

Something is physically off in my body- I don’t know what, but I have no energy and food has no appeal to me.  Sometimes I force myself to eat and it feels like torture; other days I avoid the discomfort of eating and deal with the low-blood pressure, dizziness, and headaches.  I can’t win.  It doesn’t help that allergy season is in full swing, so I’m already drained and miserable.

My finances are a mess.  I took a summer job waitressing at an event hall, but things are slow in July.  I also have a position teaching summer school, but I found out today that we won’t be paid for several weeks.  Just paying for gas to drive to school until then will be a nightmare; I don’t know how to pay for rent and groceries.  I have bills coming due and I’m not sure how I’m going to pay them.  I know my parents will give me money if I need it- but, I’m 28 years old.  Can I please be done needing my parents to take care of me??

Yesterday I peeked at David’s facebook to see how he was doing…and it said, “In a Relationship with Jenny.”

Wow.

Eight weeks ago, David and I met for coffee and he told me he hadn’t had a date since we broke up.  He said he had deleted his online dating accounts.  He told me he just wasn’t at a place in his life where he could have a relationship right now.

Apparently that all changed in eight weeks.

He and I spent almost eight weeks talking online before our first date.  We dated for another six weeks before breaking things off.   Maybe I’m being harsh, but I don’t believe he would move that fast.  Of course, being the secure, mature, single woman that I am, I peeked at Jenny’s facebook and pinterest- I see a few traces of a Christian faith background, but I see some other things that make me question it all.  I know, I know, you can’t judge someone without knowing them, but still…

And complete silence from David.  Now I know why he kept canceling and asking to reschedule the last time we hung out.  Now I know why he seemed distant.  Apparently his definition of “friendship” is “hang out in the sidelines of my life until I meet someone else.”

Does this mean the times I thought I was hearing God’s voice were false?  Have I really been a Christian since I was three years old, and still, at age 28, am hearing what I want to hear instead of God speaking to me?  When I begged God to silence the things I was hearing/thinking unless they were from Him, did He just sit back and allow me to wallow in confusion?  Or did I miss something??

If I DID hear God voice and I truly am to be married to David, what is going to come out of this?  I feel stabbed in the heart- unless there is something huge that I don’t know about, everything with David has been false.  The reasons why he broke up with me, the wanting to stay “friends,” the lies about not seeing anyone else or not being able to have a girlfriend right now.  Even if there is some huge misunderstanding here and he and I are able to work through it, either he or Jenny or both will get hurt.  I am so angry right now at David for lying to me and messing with my heart this way- but I don’t want to see him go through more heartache.  He’s been through enough.

God, I know You are still present, still at work when I cannot feel You.  I know You will somehow bring glory to Yourself in all this, and I believe I will come out of this season more like Your Son.

I just hope it’s short-lived.

 

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I Give Up!

6 Jul

I can’t put any more energy into this.

I can’t handle trying to figure out what I need to do to end up with David.  

I can’t handle rehearsing every single possible conversation I might have with him in my head.  I can’t analyze the ones we have had trying to figure out what’s really going on.  I can tell when the things he’s telling me don’t add up, but I can’t handle trying to figure out if he’s lying, confused, or just having trouble keeping all his facts straight because he doesn’t have as detailed of a memory as I do.

I can’t send him a text and wait a month to hear back from him; I can’t schedule and reschedule and reschedule times to hang out with him because he can’t “remember” the times we’ve planned.  

I can’t look past job openings in other areas far away from him because I think God told me I’m supposed to be married to him.  I’ve applied all over by him and no one has hired me.  I need a full-time job this fall and God knows that.  

And, this hasn’t happened yet, but, should a great, Godly man try to pursue me, I can’t reject him solely because I’m carrying a torch for David.  

God, I still remember that moment when I felt that voice in the back of my mind telling me I would be married to David.  I desperately want that to be Your voice.  I don’t want to realize that I’ve known You since I was three years old, and now, at 28, I still can’t discern Your voice from my own imagination, or the voice of the enemy.  I desperately want to look back at the moment years from now and be awed by the way that You fulfilled a promise to me.  

But I don’t think You WANT me to worry or take any sort of action right now- You just want me to wait…right??

Lord, if there is some step that I need to take, please show it to me.  Otherwise, I’m just going to sit and wait for Your plan to unfold.  The glory is all Yours, anyway.