I Give Up!

6 Jul

I can’t put any more energy into this.

I can’t handle trying to figure out what I need to do to end up with David.  

I can’t handle rehearsing every single possible conversation I might have with him in my head.  I can’t analyze the ones we have had trying to figure out what’s really going on.  I can tell when the things he’s telling me don’t add up, but I can’t handle trying to figure out if he’s lying, confused, or just having trouble keeping all his facts straight because he doesn’t have as detailed of a memory as I do.

I can’t send him a text and wait a month to hear back from him; I can’t schedule and reschedule and reschedule times to hang out with him because he can’t “remember” the times we’ve planned.  

I can’t look past job openings in other areas far away from him because I think God told me I’m supposed to be married to him.  I’ve applied all over by him and no one has hired me.  I need a full-time job this fall and God knows that.  

And, this hasn’t happened yet, but, should a great, Godly man try to pursue me, I can’t reject him solely because I’m carrying a torch for David.  

God, I still remember that moment when I felt that voice in the back of my mind telling me I would be married to David.  I desperately want that to be Your voice.  I don’t want to realize that I’ve known You since I was three years old, and now, at 28, I still can’t discern Your voice from my own imagination, or the voice of the enemy.  I desperately want to look back at the moment years from now and be awed by the way that You fulfilled a promise to me.  

But I don’t think You WANT me to worry or take any sort of action right now- You just want me to wait…right??

Lord, if there is some step that I need to take, please show it to me.  Otherwise, I’m just going to sit and wait for Your plan to unfold.  The glory is all Yours, anyway.

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